Welcome To My World...

so much for being over him

2005-03-05T04:16:00.000-08:00

So, sad to say, I've been being a complete loser and mooning over my ex boyfriend recently. So much for being over him...And not the type of mooning that involves dropped pants, but rather the one that involved me looking and relooking at every photo I have of him. And wanting to cry because I still want to be with him so much. Fuck this blows. Everyone keeps telling me that I deserve someone who will make me happy and I know it's true. And I was happy for a while...and then I wasn't.
Fuck fuck fuck. I keep thinking I'm okay, and then I realize how much I'm not. I just want to sleep next to him, cuddle with him and nobody else. I know it's been less than a month, so maybe things will get better or something. Supposedly it will get easier, and I'll find someone better. I have been hanging out with this guy Owen recently. He's everything I should want: bright, funny, sweet, nice to me, possessing of money (unlike Max), responsible (unlike Max), hot, has a british accent, tall, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. And all I could think was that I don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet. It's just far too soon. I mean, I know I should want him, but I just keep thinking that it's all happening too fast.
I told Max I wasn't going to speak to him for a month, for the benefit of both of us. But god! I want to talk with him. It's so weird not having him around. I've been talking to my therapist almost exclusively about him, which has been good actually. But we only meet once a week and it doesn't seem like enough. I don't know...the whole situation is just kinda fucked up at this point. I think we both need some distance, because as long as I keep talking to him I can't move on, and he'll keep thinking we'll be getting back together soon, which we can't. He needs to change a lot before I can be happy with him, and that's not going to happen right away, and that's not going to happen while we're together because me being with him as he is is just going to make him think his behavior is acceptable.
But I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. Before I broke contact a few days ago, it didn't hurt so much. We were talking on AIM and so we still had a connection. I felt as if I could still feel his presence, even if I wasn't seeing him, or talking to him on the phone. But now, he's just gone. And the worst part is that I know that any time I want to reestablish anything, he's willing. That makes it so much harder for me. Because as unhappy as I was at the end, I still want to be with him in so many ways. And I don't know what to do because I know I did the right thing, and everyone I know has told me I've done the right thing. Even people who are his friends. Everyone says I deserve so much better, but all I want is him. And I know he wants to be with me...
His roommate Aaron, who I'm friends with, has kept me sort of posted on what's been going on. At first, Max thought we were just going to be getting back together right away.
That's actually why I told him we couldn't talk for a month, because I think I gave him the wrong impression. But that last conversation was just the most painful thing ever. I mean, I thought I was okay with not being with him, and then he just laid himself before me. He could not stop apologizing. Eloquently. In ways that made my heart stop. And Max never apologizes. Which makes it matter so much more. The entire seven months we were together, he said he was sorry twice. And both times it was because I had started crying. Which I hated. I didn't want to be the type of girlfriend who just started crying whenever she didn't get her way. It felt so dirty and underhanded.
The first time ended our first fight ever. The second time was actually two days before we broke up. We had a really horrible argument and I just realized how miserable I was with him. And he just kept making it worse. Finally, I started crying, and only then did he say he was sorry. But I just wasn't interested. I didn't want it. It felt so wrong. I tried to give myself some distance. I spent saturday away from him, then went back that night and he was the same. So then I spent sunday away from him. But I knew when I went back that night that I couldn't do it anymore. I was just so unhappy.
He still looks for me online, according to Aaron. But I've blocked him. Honestly, it's probably the only way to stop myself from talking to him, because I know that otherwise I would be so tempted. This way, I don't think about it so much. ...and he poked me on facebook. He also wrote me an e-mail after I told him we couldn't talk for a month to say: "I'm quite drunk now and about to crash but I wanted to say one thing.I talked to you on aim because I liek talking to you, and though Iwon't IM you randomly if you still just wanna talk about random craphit me up. Love, Max..." The same fucking night!
Aaron also says he still looks for me online. The problem is that being in love isn't like loving someone. In love is very different than love because there is the love we have for our friends, and then there is the in love we are with passion. I once heard that love is friendship set on fire, and it seems right. And once you are in love, you can not make yourself stop feeling that way, no matter how much you may want to. You can not erase them from your life or your memory, no matter what they did, or how unhappy they made you. It still doesn't change how I feel. Or make me stop loving him. Being in love with him. How can I ever get over him?The hardest part is that our break-ups were not motivated by a lack of love. We ended still having that passion, that desire o be with each other. The problem was just the inability to do it.
Lack of closure sucks. You can't have closure when you still care so much about them. Nothing has really changed. I still feel the same way about him. I just wasn't happy with him. I wish I could understand it. Maybe it would make things easier. I suppose that much of it is because being with him made me completely joyous for a while. Happier than I've ever been in my life. It was addictive as hell. There's no joy like it. And once you give away your heart, you can never really take it back. You hope someone else can fill the void eventually. But even when someone offers themself to you, you can't return that feeling. And you feel so shitty because you want to, but all you can wonder is how can you let yourself open up again, when you've been hurt so bad before? It's fucking scary as hell. I want everything to be okay, but I can't make it that way. I know what I should do, but that doesn't make it any easier. All I want is him. I want him to be him, but magically changed as well. I miss him. And I don't know how to make it better.

getting over him

2005-02-24T13:45:00.000-08:00

It's now been almost three weeks since I broke up with Max. I'm still not quite sure how to refer to him. When I don't think about it, I almost automatically refer to him as my boyfriend, and then have to correct myself. Other than that, though, I feel as if I'm suprisingly recovered. I'm happy. And I think that's really the best sign of all. Not only that, but I'm happier now then I was when I was with him, at least the way it was at the end. As much as I knew it was the right thing to do, in the week following the break-up, I questioned my actions a million times. Now, I'm not doing that.
It isn't that I was never happy when we were together. For most of our relationship, I was very happy. And I'm still glad that I had the experience of being with him. As unhappy as I may have been near the end, there is still so much that I gained out of that relationship that I would never want to lose. But I feel that now I not only know that breaking up with him was the right thing to do, but that I understand it on a much deeper level.
And I don't want to be with him, anymore. I don't know if I want to be with anyone right now. I think I'm enjoying being single. I'm enjoying the freedom that I have at this point, and plan on taking full advantage of my current status, circumstances permitting. My goal for this weekend anyway is at least one random hook up. I know it probably sounds shallow to some, and I know it won't necessarily make the transformation from girlfriend to single any easier, but honestly, I really want to do it. And at this point, theres nothing stopping me.
Along with however else I feel about Max, my wanting to be with other guys is a definite sign that we should not be together at this point. In general I feel that when you are in a relationship with someone, there should be a good reason for that, and if you really feel unsatisfied with the person you are with, then perhaps you should not be with that person. Maybe I'll hook up with some random guy and it won't do anything for me. Maybe a year from now I'll find that I want to give Max another try. I don't know right now. But I do know that I'm happy where I am right now, and that's the most important thing.

relationships are complicated...(duh)

2005-02-13T18:19:00.000-08:00

It's been one week since Max and I officially broke up. And the whole situation is so crazy weird and complicated. Which, to tell the truth, is not particularly shocking. I mean, after seven months of dating, it would be pretty weird if the break-up was completely clean and painless. It should hurt. But just because the reactions are appropriate does mean that it sucks any less. I was the one who wanted to break up, and I'm still feeling extraordinarily conflicted about the whole subject.
I do think it was the right thing to do, but I still feel kinda shitty. Seven months is a long time to be with someone. I don't want to simply forget about everything that happened and never speak to him again. That's not useful for anyone. I am a firm believer in the idea that there are no relationships. Every relationship experience you have is useful because it helps you figure out what you really want and what you are and are not willing to put up with. Not to mention what every person you date can teach you about yourself.
I know that I am definitely a different person since I dated Max. And not just different, but better. I know it sounds cheesy, but he helped me feel so much more confident about myself. I've always had body-image issues and he was the most amazing boyfriend in the way he made me feel about my body. I remember telling him that I'd somehow managed to lose weight since coming to college and he said that he didn't want me to lose any more weight because he liked the way I looked. I don't care what anyone says about you being the most important person in determining how you feel about yourself, that one statement, by the guy for whom I cared the most about looking good, gave a me a boost of self confidence that I don't think I ever could have managed on my own.
There are so many things about Max that I still love. But I know that I can not change who he is. I don't know if he can. Or if he even wants to. But I do know that he also im-ed me to say this: "Hey. I've been thinking and drinking the last few days, I'd like for you to call me sometime later. I want to ask you a question. But I gotta go get on a train to my folks place now. Bye."
So I think I'll call him tonight. And we'll see what happens.

The worst super bowl ever...and I'm not talking about the Eagles.

2005-02-08T01:22:00.000-08:00

It would not be a stretch to say that Superbowl 39 was the worst one of my life. To tell the truth, it's only recently that I even became interested enough in football to watch the Superbowl for more than just commercials. And, truth be told, it was sad that the Eagles managed to make it all the way to the Superbowl, only to lose by three lousy points. However, I think my own post-half-time drama completely outweighs the interest due to the game itself. I broke up with my boyfriend last night.
We had been dating for seven months which, believe me, is a hell of a long time. It may seem pitifully short to those used to years-long marriages, but when you're only nineteen, as I am, seven months is about as fucking intense as a relationship gets. Once you get past those first few months, you start to understand that there's something more permanent going on. You start to fall in love.
I still am in love with him. And even though I know I did the right thing by ending it, it still hurts more than I could ever explain. I know it had to be done. The simple reason being that I was unhappy. The more complicated reason has to do with why he made me so unhappy. It was a variety of factors, really. Max does not believe in compromising. He thinks that when you compromise, you compromise yourself. How can you have a relationship with someone who refuses to meet you halfway? Ever? In addition to which, he thinks he is right and holds the ultimate truth in every situation. This wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that he not only feels it necessary to point it out to other people when they disagree with him, but that they are wrong and stupid for having an opinion that is different than his own.
Can you imagine what it is like to be with someone who insists 95% of the people around him are idiots? Including you when you're foolish enough to have your own opinion? It drove me absolutely crazy. And more than that, it made me miserable. I could never win with him, and so I gave in to practically every argument he made, just to avoid fighting about it. Which is hardly the sign of a healthy relationship. I shouldn't have to feel afraid to express my point of view for fear of being ridiculed.
I should also feel that my boyfriend is more concerned with making me happy than with insisting on the rightness of his own point of view. It isn't as if I wanted him to pretend to be someone he isn't or to say he believes one thing when he believes another. I just wanted him to understand the importance of choosing one's battles wisely. Realizing when it is important to stick up for your beliefs, and when it really doesn't make a damn bit of difference. Unfortunately, Max believed in choosing every battle, no matter how small or insubstantial. And he pissed off an incredibly number of people, immensely. Myself included.
But I think I finally realized that I needed to end it when I came to understand that the balance of gain and sacrifice was no longer leaning in the right direction. In every relationship, there will be things that your partner does that annoy the hell out of you, and, although you don't like to admit it, things that you do that piss the hell out off your partner. However, in a good relationship, the benefits that you gain outweigh the sacrifices that you must make. And I was miserable more than I was happy. And that is not how it should be. So I told him I could no longer be with him.

life as per usual

2005-02-02T17:42:00.000-08:00

Somehow, life seems to have returned a normal level of me-ness. After the freak out I had about a week ago, everything appears to have settled. Of course, if you knew me, you would understand that even at a normal level there is still far more than usual amounts of stressing in my life. Only, it seems as if I'm temporarily avoiding thinking about it so much. Which is good in the short term, because I'm not stressing myself out quite so much. However, it does not actually solve anything and I have no doubt that at some point in the not-so-distant future, everything will once again come crashing down on me.
Last semester in my psych class I learned about the different ways men and women handle stressful situations and the resulting effects this has on their lives. Women tend to analyze problems, discussing them with their friends, thinking about them, trying to find a solution. Men, on the other hand, tend to distract themselves. When a problem arises, they do not sit down with their friends and talk it out. They go drinking.
In situations that are solvable, the women's strategy works much better. By thinking about the problem and discussing it with friends, they can find the solution and thus resolve the issue and prevent further worrying. The strategy used by men for problem solving is better for situations in which the problem can not be resolved (ie: world hunger, peace in the middle east). This strategy for dealing with one's problems works well because you don't have to think about the problem and since there's no real solution to be found anyway worrying about it will not solve anything and will only cause more stress.
The problem is that both sexes run into problems of both natures, solvable and not-solvable, but each tend to stick to only one strategy for dealing with every problem, no matter what type it is. My problem is that I don't even know which strategy I should be employing at this point, and even if I did know, I don't know that I would be able to force myself to use it. The best thing I think I can do at this point is just continue to be open about my problem. I don't want to pretend that it doesn't exist anymore. I want to talk to someone, seek expert advice. Because maybe, just maybe, there is a solution to this problem, and if so, I want to find it.

Oops...nakedness ;-)

2005-01-28T16:54:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend Max's roommate walked in on me this morning while I was getting dressed. And by "getting dressed" I mean I had on all of a pair of underwear. I got up at about 11 so I could get to class and was putting in my contacts when his roommate knocked on the door asking for him. I told him that Max wasn't there and, not expecting him to walk in, I didn't elaborate. Then I see the door start to open so I'm like, "wait," but it was somewhat too late. As in, he still got quite an eyeful. As soon he realized that I was practically naked, he goes "Oh man!" and immediately shuts the door.
The interesting part is that I didn't even care. I can easily remember a time when I didn't want anyone to see me naked, including my boyfriend. But somehow, I've gotten to the point where I guess I've realized it isn't really that important. I mean, it isn't as if he purposely tried to see me naked, and it isn't as if no guy has seen me naked before. True, in general the viewing of me in my nakedness has been at my own discretion, and I knew in advance when that viewing would occur. However, I think that since I've been in relationship a relationship with Max, I've become a lot more comfortable with being naked. Which is a good indication of me being comfortable with my body. Which is interesting, since I know that I also have some serious issues with my body. The most amusing part for me is that he was probably a lot more embarressed about seeing me naked than I was about being seen. All in all, I can only be glad that I'm evidently a lot more comfortable with myself that I'd previously thought. That can only be a good sign.

Better?

2005-01-27T10:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was good. Yesterday was good. Just talking to someone to whom I could be completely upfront with about myself was amazing. I've never been completely honest with another person like that. In the past, I've been surprisingly open about certain subjects, my sexual orientation, my sexuality in general, my opinions, even (and sometimes, especially) when they went against the norm. But somehow, the way I truly felt about myself was a topic that I foundthe most difficult to discuss. And I feel such an incredible release now, just knowing that I've openly admitted to the side of me I'd never been able to acknowledge. Or at least not to anyone but myself.
I don't know exactly what I want to get out of this, or even exactly what "this" is. Talking to a therapist? A pyschologist? Getting medication? I do know that I'm not happy with how I have been living. Not that my life itself it truly the problem. From a rational standpoint I can see that my life is pretty fantastic. It's the way I view my life that has to change. And, as they say, admitting to your problem is the first step. And it feels really good. Here's hoping I can continue.

Help...me

2005-01-26T16:12:00.000-08:00

I've never been to counseling before. It isn't as if I've never felt sad, depressed or just generally fucked up. In fact, I've just recently come to terms with the fact that I've felt this way my whole life. I can't remember a time in my life when I was ever really carefree, like you always hear kids are supposed to be. I guess I'm just not how I'm supposed to be. And I never have been.
The difference is that I've finally opened up about the way I feel. Or at least as open as I can be. Which, believe me, is a serious difference from how I've always been. I have always felt as if I needed to hide myself. How I think about things. And not just the healthy kind of thinking. Worrying. Obsessively. Over things that I don't need to. It's as if logically I understand I shouldn't be stressing myself out, but at the same time, I can't help myself. I am somehow incapable of stopping myself.
Its not just because I do a crazy lot of stuff with myself. In fact, I think that the more I do with myself the better I generally feel towards my life. Activities may be fun in themselves, but they also serve as distractions. If I'm with my friends, or exercising, or eating I don't have to think so much. It makes it easier. Gives me some time off from myself.
It isn't as if there was a drastic change that motivated me to stop pretending, or at least, stop pretending that there wasn't a problem. I've never been really satisfied in a permanent way. Any time something good happens to me, I'm always waiting for that other shoe to drop. I had qualifiers. Like, it isn't as good as I think it is. I'm not special. Or it won't last. It's inevitable that I'll fail in some way. I even failed at purging.
Just like pretty much every female in the Western world, my weight is a constant struggle for me. I've always felt fat. I can remember being in third grade and being embarressed to get weighed by the school nurse, because then everybody would know just how heavy I really was.